A Personal Perspective
After many years of trying in vain to explain, and to apologize, to everyone around me for what they perceive to be insensitive, inconsiderate, and/or downright offensive behavior in many of my attempts at social interaction, I went home to my only constant companion, my laptop computer, in search of an explanation. The results of a couple of online self-diagnostic tests, confirmed by a proper evaluation at the University of Illinois Psychological Services Center, helped me to reach the unsettling reality that I am indeed afflicted with "The Horrible Asp," also known as Asperger Syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of Autism.
Growing up in a special education environment at a time when my inclusion in a regular school setting was considered potentially dangerous to myself, other students, and teachers, one could only imagine the rejection, loneliness, and isolation that had become my daily childhood experience. Such social isolation only made a bad situation worse, as I rarely had an opportunity to develop the social skills needed to grow and evolve as a complete person. Most attempts to socialize with my peers were met with rejection and derision, so I preferred to keep completely to myself. Whenever my parents or sisters had company at the house, I usually disappeared into my room and locked the door. To socialize with others would be seen as torture. As you can imagine, I had very few friends despite my best efforts and intentions. My first incusion in a regular school environment was as a freshman in high school and it was not at all a pretty sight. In spite of my academic success throughout high school, my extreme shyness and inability to relate to my classmates, especially to the ladies, in any meaningful way made life in high school almost unbearable for me. College life at the University of Illinois was even worse. No fraternity on campus would accept me. No employer would hire me. No woman with any regard for her reputation, especially if she belonged to a sorority, wanted to be seen anywhere near me. That degree of constant rejection also severely hurt my grade point average because of the severe depression that resulted. Even when I sought help at the Counseling Center on campus, I was told that there was a four-month waiting list for counseling services. I felt very unwelcome on campus and in my own community. I transferred to a smaller school closer to home, where I actually made a few friends in the Student Senate and completed my degree.
Even in adulthood, I still have a great deal of difficulty making friends and establishing social, especially dating, relationships of any kind for I am still very uncomfortable in most social situations, including the workplace. Although I have earned a Master's degree in Business Administration and have written and self-published two novels, I have difficulty establishing the social connections needed to land any kind of relevant employment. As a result, I am very unhappy in my current pizza delivery job because I know deep down that I am worth much more than the way I am living. Those of us who have been "bitten by the Horrible Asp," as I sometimes refer to those people with Asperger Syndrome, have many behavioral, sensory, and self-esteem challenges that we must face on a daily basis. Potential employers would be wise to understand these challenges and to use my creative talents and energies, as well as appeal to my strong sense of justice and fairness, rather than put me in a box with rules and regulations that I usually find senseless. While I will not blindly follow the rules for the sake of conformity, I am willing to accept and abide by those rules that are fair and equitable to all concerned. I have absolutely no tolerance for any form of hypocrisy. If an action is not right for one person to take, then it is not right for anyone to take.
There are many people who mistakenly believe that I have no empathy or consideration for others. Contrary to popular belief, I care very deeply about the thoughts and feelings of others...often to a fault. However, my greatest challenge is in appropriately expressing that empathy such that others can easily understand. I would prefer to show my real feelings in a way that is uniquely my own. It is often said that "mediocrity seeks safety in standardization," and that "great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Both of these quotes by Dr. Albert Einstein are true. A critical lesson that I learned over the years is that anything we think, say, or do will offend someone. Furthermore, that happens because people choose, either consciously or unconsciously, to take offense in order to control the thought, words, and actions of others. While I endeavor to respect the feelings and opinions of others, I refuse to allow them to control my life. Material wealth is meaningless to me unless I can maintain my own integrity.
To quote a line from the chorus of a favorite song by the Animals, "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. O Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
Asperger Syndrome is a difference, not a disease.
