Aspergians in Love - Not a Pretty Sight

Much to the surprise of many people, Aspergian men have the same love of women that neurotypical men have.  We have many of the same dreams and desires for loving, caring relationships with women.  Beacuse we often lack the basic social interaction skills needed to initiate or maintain such relationships, we are often afraid to approach anyone.  When we summon the courage make an attempt to reach out to women to whom we are attracted, even on a platonic level, our efforts are often met with rejection...and even threats of violence or legal action.  Such rejection further reinforces our reluctance to interact with others.  Once people come to know and understand us, they will find that we are not as "creepy" as they might make us out to be.  This blog post will hopefully give you an insight on the problems in this arena that we Aspergians often face when reaching out to others.

It would stand to reason that many an Aspergian man has been accused of behaviors could be construed as sexual harassment or sexual assault at some point in his adolescent or adult life, even when his intentions were otherwise.  Let me make an important legal distinction here.  Sexual harassment typically involves either an inappropriate eye gaze or an out of sequence remark.  This can also include well-intentioned remarks taken out of their intended context.  Sexual assault, a more serious criminal offense, involves any nonconsensual physical contact of a sexual nature.  While neurotypical men rely on subtle nonverbal cues from their partners to obtain consent, it is strongly recommended that Aspergian men overtly ask questions to obtain consent...as awkward as it may sound.  At Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio, for example, such overt questioning to obtain explicit verbal consent is actually mandated by the school's Sexual Offense Prevention Policy.  This policy was adopted in 1992 after two female students were date-raped during the prior school year...at a college with a total enrollment of fewer than 700 students.

The real tragedy is that every red-blooded American male, whether he is single or married, or whether he is gay or straight, is increasingly vulnerable to allegations of sexual misconduct, wherever he may happen to be.  It is indeed a very sorry state of affairs when we cannot check out the beauties on the beach, at a club, or anywhere else, let alone approach one and ask her for a date, without the very serious threat of being brought up on charges...and not necessarily by the lady herself.  Even a platonic friendship or a business relationship with any woman can be very dangerous, as my personal experience has clearly proven to me over the years.  There have been a few cases where I had such a basic platonic friendship, and very nearly my life, ended by a jealous husband or boyfriend...even when I was involved with someone else at the time.  What's wrong with this picture?

The mere allegation of any sexual misconduct, proven or not, can have devastating, and often irreversible, effects on the lives, careers, relationships, and reputations of many an innocent man.  Unlike those accused of other types of crimes, those accused of any type of sexual offense, from verbal harassment to forcible rape to extramarital adultery and everything in between, are often denied the rights of due process.  These rights include the right to presumption of innocence until proven guilty and the right to face one's accuser due to "Rape Shield Laws" in some states.  These men are usually presumed guilty until proven innocent.  Worse yet, they are not always given a fair opportunity to defend themselves against the charges, let alone prove their innocence, in a court of law due to the stigma attached to such offenses.

The simple fact that a man is married or in a committed relationship can make him even more vulnerable to false allegations of sexual misconduct that a single man would be due to the additional threats of blackmail or other types of extortion.  Call me paranoid if you will, but this situation can happen to any man, anytime, anywhere.  While these allegations can also be made against women, the great majority of those accused are men.  There must be an immediate cease-fire in the Battle of the Sexes so that we can learn to appreciate and respect each other as people.  Is that too much to ask?

The point I intend to make here is that it is critically important to understand that Aspergian men are far more likely to be victimized by women than are neurotypical men.  My personal experience shows that we are far more likely to prey than predator.  I have been victimized by several women with whom I had been involved on various levels over the years.  They typically wanted to use me for money and/or someone with whom to cheat on their husbands or boyfriends, the existence of whom I usually learned about only from third parties.  Some of them were drug addicts who wanted an enabler who would not only give them money to buy their drugs, but take them to meet their drug dealers.  Drug addicts are desperate enough to resort to any lie, threat, or scam to get their next fix.  It comes as no great surprise that I have developed a serious problem in trusting other people, especially women.  Whenever someone does gain my trust, she usually takes advantage of me in one way or another.  My greatest fear is that someone will take something I may say to her in confidence, such as the fact that I have Asperger Syndrome, and use it against me later on for her own personal gain.

My personal message to neurotypical people in general and to women in particular is, "We are much more afraid of you than you are of us."

Recognize The Sensory Triggers

It is a known fact that many Aspergians are very sensitive to certain external stimuli and may react negatively to stimuli which would not so adversely affect their neurotypical peers.  Such stimuli include loud noises as well as certain colors, aromas, and textures.  A common irritant is the flicker and low-pitched hum of a flourescent light bulb.  Environment is an important factor in Aspergian behavior.  When evaluating a particular behavioral anomaly, such as a temper tantrum, self-stimulation, or other inappropriate behavior pattern, it is important to consider the following questions:

1. When and under what circumstances do we observe a behavioral anomaly most frequently and/or in its most extreme form?  Consider the following factors:

• Environment
• Size of the room
• Number of people present
• Noise level and type of noise
• Why we were there at the time
• What else was going on

2. Was there another incident or situation preceding the current incident?

3. What was our physical state at the time of the incident?

4 Did the place or situation have a history for us (such as the doctor's office where we had a flu shot or the mall where the fire alarm sounded)?

5. What were our expectations at the time?

6. Were there any unexpected changes?

Conversely, it is also very important to consider these very same environmental factors when we feel and perform at our best.  We want to recreate these environmental states for optimal performance.

What is Asperger Syndrome?

Asperger Syndrome (AS for short) is a neurological condition characterized by a lack of social understanding, limited ability to have a reciprocal conversation, and an intense interest in a particular subject.  The best way to understand this condition is to think of it as describing someone who perceives and thinks of the world very differently to other people.

Asperger Syndrome is caused by a dysfunction of specific structures and systems in the brain.  Research studies involving the use of brain imaging technology and neuropsychological tests reveal structural and functional  differences in specific regions of the brain.  These differences are most likely caused by abnormalities in embryonic cells during fetal development that affect brain structure and wiring and then goes on to affect the neural circuits that control thought and behavior.  To give you a better analogy, let the wiring in a house represent the wiring in the brain.  In a neurotyical (or "normal") brain, flipping a light switch would turn a light on or off.  In an Aspergian (someone with AS) brain, however, flipping that same light switch would turn the radio or garage door opener on or off.  We could reroute the circuitry in our brains, but that would result in a significantly longer processing and response time.  Such is the case when we learn social interaction skills.  Therefore, we take longer to respond to social cues because we have to consciously think about everything we say or do.

It is critically important to understand that Asperger Syndrome is a neurological condition resulting from anomalies in the physical brain rather than from emotional or behavioral problems.  However, such problems most certainly can, and often do, result from the condition.  An Aspergian has no more control overhow he or she views the world and interprets what is seen heard, felt, or understood than has someone who has suffered a mild stroke or developed Alzheimer's disease.  Asperger Syndrome is a serious, lifelong condition that requires individualized expert intervention and should be treated as such.  While some people describe the condition as a "mild" form of Autism, there is certainly nothing "mild" about the many challenges that we Aspergians face on a daily basis.

It is also known that Autism Spectrum Disorders, including Asperger Syndrome, tend to run in families.  Additional evidence of the genetic link to AS was observed in higher incidences of family members, especially fathers, who have similar behavioral symptoms, but in a limited form.  While a specific gene for AS has yet to be identified, the most recent research indicates that there are most likely a common group of genes whose variations make an individual susceptible to the condition.